'I need to say something to you.' she said, slowly and deliberatly. He paused, with his drink halfway to his lips, waiting. She faltered immediatly. Although as always his face was stoic, his eyes looked into her too much.

'I love you. And i know that sounds ridiculous. But theres just something ...something there. Something about you, inside of you, that clicks inside of me. all of your inperfections to me are perfect. And..I will rue the day you decided in your head that i was not good enough for you..that,...i wasnt right. And maybe on some other dimension somewhere I get what I want. I just wanted you to know'

But she didnt speak outloud.

'Its nothing.' she said, and sipped her drink.

'Ok' He brought the beer to his lips.

what love was

love was a darkned room and a mattress on the floor
it was cold skin and watching cigerette smoke swirl around to the ceiling
love was a raised eyebrow across the room
and fingers crawling around my neck
pressed hotel room sheets and kisses in a taxi back seat
love was two hours sleep and a long distance phone call
love was my paper heart in a drawer
that was thrown away when he moved.


love was then my cruel tongue and abrupt ends
it was driving around at three am
love was rome and rye and my leg pressed inbetween his
it was seafront views and salty air while we smoked
love was comforting warmth over a scottish fire
love was homemade sandwiches and sunday film
love was taken for granted with youthful apathy
and thrown away with ease

love is now a rope tied around my waist
waiting for him to pick up the other end and pull me in
its not knowing why i call, or text, or email
its listening to his voice and not understanding
why i could easily listen all day
love is argumentive and rude and flaky
love keeps me coming back for more
love now means i am sleeping alone.

I am not listening. Again.

I can see Jacky talking at me, her face over animated from yet another bump of cocaine in the toilets. Its yet to take any effect on me. Instead I stare down Orchard street, past the bridge and tunnel crowd, looking for his shadow. She doesnt notice, thats the great thing about cocaine. She is only interested in her own story, and I get away with showing interest by mimicking her facial expressions.I light up another cigerette as soon as I have finished my last, taking comfort in repeated actions. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

I stare at my shoes in resignation, too fucking high for me to be walking around in. Theres also a piece of gum stuck to the side of the dirty black suede.

Cigerette number six.

'So..what time do you think he will get here?' Jacky asks. I shrug, pretending I do not care.

'Oh, I have to add at least half an hour for whatever time he tells me. You know what hes like.' I smile reassuringly at her. She grimaces, and rubs her gums with her velvet gloves. I immediatly regret asking Jacky to come out - she was desperatly climbing the lower easi side social circle and he had an elevator pass that would take her straight to the top. She looked at me quizzedly, catching my moment of doubt that he may not even show.

Cigerette number seven.

And then, as I lament the gum on my shoes, I see his shadow appear.  He stands in my favourite black suit with a fur trimmed jacket and a box under his arm. He smiles warmly, but does not lean in to kiss me.

My attention is immediatly drawn attention to the girl on his left. She is short but proportionate, with alabaster skin and glossy black hair. Her maroon lipstick is immaculate and she does not smile through it. She takes his arm and opens her coat, revealing a black silk dress. A clear signal.

Jakki begins talking and i scrunch the back of my hair up out of habit. He stil looks at me, his eyebrows furrowed as I run my tongue other my teeth, in case of lipstick. The girl is making me feel tall, and scruffy. I cannot help but try and catch my reflection in the bar window. I stare down the street past him.

'Erm..it sucks in here. We were going to go darkroom...'

He cuts me off immediatly.

'I am not going to darkroom tonight. I do not want to be seen. We are going to whiskey ward.'

'Oh.'

He stares at Jacky with thinly disguised contempt and I wish I could do the same to the silk dress girl. Who the fuck was this now? I tried to scan back in my memory but I knew I had never seen her before. He catches my assessment.

'Oh, this is Natalia, from Ohio. Shes in town for a few days.'

Natalia stares over at me and smiles thinly.

'Hi.'

'Hi.'

With that he begins walking, and of course, we follow. Jakki is still talking and I am still not listening. I stare at Natalias  heels and am suddenly glad that I wore mine, despite crippling pain.

At whiskey ward we stand at the bar and I stare in the other direction. He brushes his hand against my back and pulls me over and smiles wickedly. He hands me the box, and in the second it takes for me to look confused. he opens the top with a flourish and pulls out a navy blue fascinator. He expertly pins it to my hair and stands back to admire.

'I knew I was right about buying you that hat. As soon as I saw it in the store, I envisioned it perched upn your head and knew it would frame your beautiful face.'

I could not help but smile. He reaches over to adjust the hat and veil.

'perfect.' he breathes into my ear, and I shudder. And with that, he walks away with Natalia and I stand alone at the bar. Unsure of what to do, I order a double vodka and grimace as I gulp too much.

He is of course surrounded by a gaggle of hangers on. Natalia leans over and places her hand on his back and he does not move it.

Without wanting to cause attention, I grabbed my back and as quickly as my unfortunate heels could manage, exited the bar. I felt the heat flush to my cheeks in panic that everyone was watching me, and laughing.

I heard Jacky call down the street but I kept going, hailing down a taxi. I jumped in and slid down, willing the tears to come that I felt bubbling in my chest from humiliation and rejection.

The passenger door burst open and he jumped in. He cupped by face with his hands and kissed me with force, pulling my hair back and biting at my lips.

He kissed me like that the whole way back my apartment, and not another word was said between us for the rest of the evening about it.

As the morning light pierced through teh gap in the night blind, I stared at his back, scratched like I was a butcher with ten knives. Secretly I liked that.

October 1st, 2006

The night before my flight to New York was not a settled one. I have been plagued by the dream again. The same dream that starts with me standing on a pathway in a forest, the early morning sinslight lazily piercing through the thick emerald foliage of the pine. The cold air crackles on my lungs, and the silence of the life in the forest is deafening. Not even a bird dares speak, for they know the gravity of the situation.

I feel his hand in mine, and he squeezes it softly, but he does not look at me. His steely glare is determined, yet not frighening.. It is too beautiful, too exquisitely silent. for me to be afraid here.

And then I am no longer there. I am buried in the blackness of the earths gut. I try to scream but choke on the bitter soil. I am alone.

The piercing ring of my telephone shakes me from my slumber, and I answer to hear his voice.

'Shit, did I wake you?'

'No.' I lie. ' No I was awake.'

I stare at the clock. Four am. An obvious lie.

'I am freaking out here.' he claims.

'Hey...hey no dont freak out. Why are you freaking out?'

'I just....I had a drink tonight. I had several drinks. I am so sorry baby. I know I shouldnt have.'

I cringe at the word 'baby'.

' I just keep thinking about shit...you know...urgh. fuck.'

My heart starts to pound in sheer panic and I struggle to maintain my facade of nonchalance.

'yeah well, you dont have to get a flight in five hours without any prescrips. I dont know if its acceptable for me to be drunk at ten am.' I joke. He laughs lightly in response, and sighs.

'Are you excited?' he asks. The question is loaded with intent.

'Im excited, im nervous, im fucking bouncing off the walls. This is the right thimg for me to do at the moment, I think.'

'Cool. I mean..your moving here for you though, right? I mean..this is something you would do, independantly of me?'

And there it was.

'Actually, no.' is what I wanted to say.' I am moving there because I am desperatly in love with you. And you are in love with me. And because I am lonely in London now David has quit the band, and every day you have called me and told me how much you fucking need me.'

But I know I will not say this.

'Yeah. Course. Stupid man.' I smile through my teeth.

'Ok darling well....I have had too much to drink so I dont know if I will be able to pick you up from the airportIm going to go see my shrink. Youl be cool though, yeah? Ring me when you get into the city.'

'Ok. I gotta go. Il see you in 12 hours huh?'

'Ok. I love you. I love you so much.' he says.

I disconnect the line, turn my face into the pillow, and the tears did not come.