October 1st, 2006

The night before my flight to New York was not a settled one. I have been plagued by the dream again. The same dream that starts with me standing on a pathway in a forest, the early morning sinslight lazily piercing through the thick emerald foliage of the pine. The cold air crackles on my lungs, and the silence of the life in the forest is deafening. Not even a bird dares speak, for they know the gravity of the situation.

I feel his hand in mine, and he squeezes it softly, but he does not look at me. His steely glare is determined, yet not frighening.. It is too beautiful, too exquisitely silent. for me to be afraid here.

And then I am no longer there. I am buried in the blackness of the earths gut. I try to scream but choke on the bitter soil. I am alone.

The piercing ring of my telephone shakes me from my slumber, and I answer to hear his voice.

'Shit, did I wake you?'

'No.' I lie. ' No I was awake.'

I stare at the clock. Four am. An obvious lie.

'I am freaking out here.' he claims.

'Hey...hey no dont freak out. Why are you freaking out?'

'I just....I had a drink tonight. I had several drinks. I am so sorry baby. I know I shouldnt have.'

I cringe at the word 'baby'.

' I just keep thinking about shit...you know...urgh. fuck.'

My heart starts to pound in sheer panic and I struggle to maintain my facade of nonchalance.

'yeah well, you dont have to get a flight in five hours without any prescrips. I dont know if its acceptable for me to be drunk at ten am.' I joke. He laughs lightly in response, and sighs.

'Are you excited?' he asks. The question is loaded with intent.

'Im excited, im nervous, im fucking bouncing off the walls. This is the right thimg for me to do at the moment, I think.'

'Cool. I mean..your moving here for you though, right? I mean..this is something you would do, independantly of me?'

And there it was.

'Actually, no.' is what I wanted to say.' I am moving there because I am desperatly in love with you. And you are in love with me. And because I am lonely in London now David has quit the band, and every day you have called me and told me how much you fucking need me.'

But I know I will not say this.

'Yeah. Course. Stupid man.' I smile through my teeth.

'Ok darling well....I have had too much to drink so I dont know if I will be able to pick you up from the airportIm going to go see my shrink. Youl be cool though, yeah? Ring me when you get into the city.'

'Ok. I gotta go. Il see you in 12 hours huh?'

'Ok. I love you. I love you so much.' he says.

I disconnect the line, turn my face into the pillow, and the tears did not come.