I am not listening. Again.

I can see Jacky talking at me, her face over animated from yet another bump of cocaine in the toilets. Its yet to take any effect on me. Instead I stare down Orchard street, past the bridge and tunnel crowd, looking for his shadow. She doesnt notice, thats the great thing about cocaine. She is only interested in her own story, and I get away with showing interest by mimicking her facial expressions.I light up another cigerette as soon as I have finished my last, taking comfort in repeated actions. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

I stare at my shoes in resignation, too fucking high for me to be walking around in. Theres also a piece of gum stuck to the side of the dirty black suede.

Cigerette number six.

'So..what time do you think he will get here?' Jacky asks. I shrug, pretending I do not care.

'Oh, I have to add at least half an hour for whatever time he tells me. You know what hes like.' I smile reassuringly at her. She grimaces, and rubs her gums with her velvet gloves. I immediatly regret asking Jacky to come out - she was desperatly climbing the lower easi side social circle and he had an elevator pass that would take her straight to the top. She looked at me quizzedly, catching my moment of doubt that he may not even show.

Cigerette number seven.

And then, as I lament the gum on my shoes, I see his shadow appear.  He stands in my favourite black suit with a fur trimmed jacket and a box under his arm. He smiles warmly, but does not lean in to kiss me.

My attention is immediatly drawn attention to the girl on his left. She is short but proportionate, with alabaster skin and glossy black hair. Her maroon lipstick is immaculate and she does not smile through it. She takes his arm and opens her coat, revealing a black silk dress. A clear signal.

Jakki begins talking and i scrunch the back of my hair up out of habit. He stil looks at me, his eyebrows furrowed as I run my tongue other my teeth, in case of lipstick. The girl is making me feel tall, and scruffy. I cannot help but try and catch my reflection in the bar window. I stare down the street past him.

'Erm..it sucks in here. We were going to go darkroom...'

He cuts me off immediatly.

'I am not going to darkroom tonight. I do not want to be seen. We are going to whiskey ward.'

'Oh.'

He stares at Jacky with thinly disguised contempt and I wish I could do the same to the silk dress girl. Who the fuck was this now? I tried to scan back in my memory but I knew I had never seen her before. He catches my assessment.

'Oh, this is Natalia, from Ohio. Shes in town for a few days.'

Natalia stares over at me and smiles thinly.

'Hi.'

'Hi.'

With that he begins walking, and of course, we follow. Jakki is still talking and I am still not listening. I stare at Natalias  heels and am suddenly glad that I wore mine, despite crippling pain.

At whiskey ward we stand at the bar and I stare in the other direction. He brushes his hand against my back and pulls me over and smiles wickedly. He hands me the box, and in the second it takes for me to look confused. he opens the top with a flourish and pulls out a navy blue fascinator. He expertly pins it to my hair and stands back to admire.

'I knew I was right about buying you that hat. As soon as I saw it in the store, I envisioned it perched upn your head and knew it would frame your beautiful face.'

I could not help but smile. He reaches over to adjust the hat and veil.

'perfect.' he breathes into my ear, and I shudder. And with that, he walks away with Natalia and I stand alone at the bar. Unsure of what to do, I order a double vodka and grimace as I gulp too much.

He is of course surrounded by a gaggle of hangers on. Natalia leans over and places her hand on his back and he does not move it.

Without wanting to cause attention, I grabbed my back and as quickly as my unfortunate heels could manage, exited the bar. I felt the heat flush to my cheeks in panic that everyone was watching me, and laughing.

I heard Jacky call down the street but I kept going, hailing down a taxi. I jumped in and slid down, willing the tears to come that I felt bubbling in my chest from humiliation and rejection.

The passenger door burst open and he jumped in. He cupped by face with his hands and kissed me with force, pulling my hair back and biting at my lips.

He kissed me like that the whole way back my apartment, and not another word was said between us for the rest of the evening about it.

As the morning light pierced through teh gap in the night blind, I stared at his back, scratched like I was a butcher with ten knives. Secretly I liked that.